Dear Homeowner,

I’m writing to let you know that we need to talk. And since I’m a house and my normal floorboard creaks and sporadic soundings of the fire alarm haven’t worked, I figured a letter might work best.

We’ve been through a lot together. From the time you first walked through me, it felt like love at first sight. We were destined to be together. That first night together, you dined on Easy Mac in the middle of the living room floor, surrounded by boxes that would soon be unpacked. We vowed to take care of each other, and to be there til the end.

Those early months were amazing, homeowner. I couldn’t believe how often you were vacuuming my carpeted stairs and scrubbing my kitchen countertops. You made me feel like the most special home on the planet; I could tell you put love into everything that you did.

But then something started to change. It all started when you got that four-legged creature, the one who I can’t understand how they’re even still covered with fur when it seems to be shedding all over me. Things started falling to the wayside, homeowner. The dishes were piling up in my sink, my floor was getting scratched, and I don’t even want to get into the time the four-legged creature found your stash of cheese puffs.

Then you got a promotion, which you told me was for me. Now, you’d finally be able to put some more time and attention into my life again. But all I’ve seen from it has been a brand new TV and more delivery cartons of Chinese food left out on the dining room table, and that was months ago. Months, homeowner.

I’m not asking for much, or maybe I am, I don’t know. I know I can be a lot of work. I don’t want you to feel stressed out by me, but I’m doing the best I can to take care of you, and I just don’t feel like it’s being reciprocated. I’ve had such a hard time breathing with all the dust that’s settled on my surfaces. I want to live and do the best that I can for you, truly, I do! But I feel like you’re holding me back.

I think there’s still hope for us, homeowner. I think if you were to contact a cleaning company to help out once or so a week, it could make a huge difference. I know I’d feel better about it, but I think you would, too. We need to support each other, and we both deserve to look and feel our best. Because when we’re in a good place for ourselves, we can be in a better place for each other.

So let’s try it, homeowner. Let’s not give up on each other just yet. Call Bubble Soap Cleaning in New Canaan for a cleaning company that can get us back to our old selves. I know that we can work things out.

All my love,

Your House